


Lizard Babies

by jamtrousers



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2018-01-10 22:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1165104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamtrousers/pseuds/jamtrousers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I have family. You have family. Scout has family, maybe more family than anyone truly needs. Or maybe not enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lizard Babies

**Author's Note:**

> Two key points before reading this. Firstly, this fic is not for general consumption and moderation is advised. Secondly, this fic is my entry in a closed circle fic challenge in which the tropey urban legend that incest leads to lizard-babies needs to be included.
> 
> Also, this fic won by default.

"Oh my freaking god!" exclaimed Scout as the team gathered around the post bag. Scout had received a letter from his mum and the regular jeering had recently ceased. "I can't believe my mother's pregnant again!" Scout continued his exclamation.

"HA," began Heavy and proceeded with, "SCOUT'S MUM IS LIKE BABY MAKING FACTORY."

"Zat is pretty much vot a human is, really," added Medic.

"IN MOTHER RUSSIA WE CALL THEM 'LITTLE BUDDHA'S'. CAUSE IF YOU RUB THEIR BELLIES, BABIES COME OUT." Heavy pondered something for a moment. "WELL MOSTLY BABIES. AND GOOP, VERY MUCH WITH THE GOOP."

"I am quite disturbed how you know zis," probed Medic.

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU. IN RUSSIA I AM LICENSED MIDWIFE." Heavy looked mournfully into the past. "BUT NEVER THE BRIDE."

"Well anyway. I now have to go back home to be there for the birth," Scout tried to finish his exclamation.

"But it takes nine months for an embryo to develop," Medic informed him.

"I know that, dumbass! But mum only ever tells me just before the birth!"

"Hut, hevn hurhur hur hurs?"

"Oh shut up Pyro!" Scout felt he was running out of exclamation marks and thought he might need to get a prescription from Medic again. "Anyway, I'm going to have to take next week off!"

***

Heavy gave Scout a packed lunch and patted him on the back. Scout glared back at the group.

"Get a fucking move on, I ain't got all day," Sniper called from his mobile home.

"Why the fuck are we all at my house?!" shout-claimed Scout vigorously.

"Pyro just happens to have a stand-up 'gig' at a notable venue in Boston so ve all thought ve'd cheer 'him' on," explained Medic.

"And we all want to see your hot mum," shouted Sniper, readying his binoculars.

"Ugh!" grunt-claimed Scout and knocked on the door of his childhood home, which he'd bought for his mum three years ago with his merc earnings. A small grubby mass of clothes opened the door.

"Oh, hey big bro!" it micro-claimed.

"My, Steve-Matthews, you grew up fast!" Scout greet-claimed, "Where's mum?!"

"She got up to answer the freaking door and her water broke!" Steve-Matthews expl-claimed. "Some French bastard took her to hospital!"

"Steve-Matthews, mind your language!" Scout repri-claimed his younger sister.

"But he was French!" retor-claimed Steve-Matthews pulling a hand-me-down candy out of a hand-me-down pocket.

"That French bastard," Scout didn't-claimed. "Oh shit, Medic I need some more, you know, suffixes."

"I didn't bring any. I'm not! a chemist! you know!" viciously exclaimed Medic to Scout's chagrin.

"Shit." Scout tried to mime an exclamation mark. "To the hospital1"

***

"mum," Scout tried to shout as he entered the labour house in the hospital.

"Ah, Scout. You finally made it," said Spy as he strode through the quagmire of baby.

"What are you doing here, you French bastard 'loud questioning noises'," Scout spoke softly.

"Um, are you feeling well, Scout?" asked Spy.

"He has over-verked his punctuation gland again," explained Medic.

"Ah, anyway, Scout, there is a very good reason I'm here," began Spy before Scout could butt in, but to no avail. A nurse came running out from behind a curtain.

"Is there a doctor or a certified midwife in this hospital? Or a vet would probably do."

"I AM CERTIFIED MIDWIFE," announced Heavy and moved to the birthing stall.

"We've also got a doctor here, go on Medic," ushered Scout.

"Actually, I'm only a Doctor in theoretical medicine," reminded Medic.

"Oh come on Doc, I've seen you remove a man's heart," added Sniper.

"But I never put it back!" exclaimed Medic as he was pushed towards the stall.

"NURSE, I NEED 460 HERTZ OF HOT WATER! STAT!" yelled Heavy.

"Anyway, Scout," Spy tried again, "I have something to confess."

"Oh, god. You are so not my father," said Scout in a monotone.

"What? No!" Spy was taken aback, "I'm actually adopted."

"So," Scout tried to ask.

"Well, when I was looking for my birth parents I met your mother. Or should I say my-"

"Oh god, are you my brother." Scout had a half horrified half ready-to-laugh-your-ass-off expression on his face.

"PUSH 'LITTLE BUDDHA'. SQUEEZE THE LIFE OUT."

"No! We, I mean your mother and I, found out that she wasn't really American."

"Are you saying that I'm French," Scout's face was too contorted to actually be said to convey any emotion.

"I'm not biologically French you moron, just listen!" Spy calmed himself by adjusting his tie. "But yes. So my new sister and I found that we're related to someone else we all know. Because I'm actually Australian."

"Oh, bugger. I'm calling mum!" said Sniper stomping off.

"Are you saying Sniper is your dad," Scout's face just gave up.

"We are brothers! Sniper and I are your mother's brothers! We are your uncles, you dim shit!" Spy face palmed a wall.

"SUCCESS! WE HAVE HEALTHY LITTLE LIZARD BABY. I'M SO HAPPY," announced Heavy proudly holding a 30 ltr lizard.

"Oh yeah, I also fucked your mother," said Spy.

"Screw this, let's just go to Pyro's gig," said Scout.

***

The mobile home pulled up just as Pyro was locking the front door to the theatre.

"Oh, did we miss it?" asked Sniper.

"Ho ho, hy hos huss hahin," replied Pyro, lighting a match and setting fire to the door. They all agreed that this was Pyro's best show yet, especially when the paying audience began jumping out of the second story windows.

They all laughed.


End file.
